Rising Above

Here I am. After a long break from blogging. I feel terrible I haven't been here to write. Oh I have visited my page, I guess just to make sure it still existed.
In total after surgery I lost a whopping 155lbs!! However; yes here's the big PAUSE....I have gained 50 of it back & have become so ashamed of it. I've done it to myself. Not following anything in particular, but always thinking as I put something in my mouth "is this really worth it?" ..then guilt. I hate that I can't fit into the sizes I had gotten down into. I am again 'uncomfortable' in my own skin. Soooooo...I am trying to get back on track. Back to those thoughts & feelings I had 3 yrs ago. I was at a different place then in my life. Many things have changed since, some good, some bad. The biggest thing I have learned is that I am an emotional eater. Through and through. Guess I need to get my hands & my mind in some other place when things happen or I feel one way or another.
One thing I can share with you. Even when I had lost 155lbs I still mentally hadn't changed who I was at almost 400lbs. I did feel 'lighter' & felt like I 'sparkled' a bit more personality wise. But I was still aware of the 'space around me', or always tugging down the bottom of my shirts, or making sure my arms were covered up to a certain point because I didn't want anyone to see my flab. Now, when I look at the photos even from a yr ago, I think...'WHY did I think that?!" I looked fine! I am also going to share that (not remembering if I have earlier or not) but I was LISTENED to more closely, or people wanted my opinion, or made my presence more included when I was even that 50lbs lighter. Why is that? I changed my outside, but inside I was the same ole girl. I'm realizing now, that all the classes & visits we had amongst eachother (bariatric patients in the program & therapists & dieticians included) thats what they stressed beyond eating correctly, was changing up the way you've always thought about yourself. I did on some levels, but I guess I didn't BELIEVE in my self enough or TRUST in my self enough.
I've got to change that. I've got to change that for my success. I've got to change that for me.
I'm back. Even if I'm bloggong about defeat I am back. It's an outlet, or an inlet either way you look at it for me to rise above where I am & achieve what I had set out to 3 yrs ago. It's getting over the plateaus, I know this now & not retreating back because that way HAD been most comfortable.
So I am still on this journey. I am human. Only I can fix my mistakes.
Find peace & a positive attitude!! It's how people see you!
^j^

Disappointed

Why you may ask? I've put on about 5 lbs :(....
I knew my dress slacks were fitting a bit snuggly. Seems that the weight may be added in the mid-section. I NEED intervention. I went on a internet frenzy looking for recipes for post bariatric patients. I didn't find a lot. I need to cut down in portions, stick to protein & water and I NEED to exercise for real!!!!! Not just running after my kids!! The promise that the weather is on the upswing for better days looks good. If I hadn't just gotten on the scales here at work I wouldn't have known for sure how much I put on...5lbs is 5lbs...
I will overcome this...

Antsy

Summer. I long for you. My kids long for you. Flip flops, sand, warm summer sun, the smell of coconut sun lotion, the smell of fresh cut grass, the waifting of camp fires & grills, the smell of the lake, the sound of a loon. The green leaves on the trees making cool spots to be lazy in.

I've made up my mind. I am buying a bike. I said I was going to last yr and I didn't. This yr is different. If I wait, then I am putting off the exact thing I need to do, which is to be more active. If I wait til WE can afford it, then I'll never have one. (the old saying like kids eh?)

Went to a second hand clothing shop today & bought a new purse, new shoes & 2 new tops...all for $13.00 WOOT WOOT!!

Anyways, I just dropped in for a few brief moments (seems thats all I ever have to myself lately) to check things out & blog a bit. Sheesh, it would be great if I could get paid to blog..I love to write, I love to read & I could so love that!! Got to go make pork steaks, taters & a veggie for my family of 8..otherwise they'll all be protesting in another hr that "Mom I'm hungry!!"

Hope everyone is doing well! God Bless!!!

Hello I am here, somewhere...

Cabin fever? Not really. More like I would love it if Jillian Michaels were a friend to help kick me in the pants to become more movitated & help me to be creative in exercising. Do I need that drastic a push? Yeah, I think so because I've gotten off track. My eating habits have gone to the way side, what with gas prices, 6 kids in the house..buying the proper foods has not been high priority. I suffer because of it. I eat a lot of what they eat. There are still foods I cannot eat. My teenage kids look at the portions I put on my plate and say "Geez, wish I could eat only that much & feel full."
I feel like I need someone to help push me, not militant like, but jovial friend "I'll kick you in the pants type." I still see myself as the almost 400lb person I WAS. I often do double takes in the mirror because I can't believe it's me. I still keep that 'safe space' around me that I had when I was heavy, that place where because your larger you keep yourself in. My new job does not offer the benefits of having insurance so I am without the proper avenues to keep up medically. I do my best & I know I need to start going to support group, as I need to connect with others who share in some of the same struggles & achievements. My husband is wonderful & caring & its always a blessing when he tells me how attracted he is too me, or how beautiful I am. I do believe that. But there are things in thought processes he can't understand, a part of who I am, who I used to be, that I struggle with sometimes. That little insecure side of me that still jumps up in my face once in awhile. Who would I be without that girl that I used to be? I am thankful of this journey. Really, I am. It's made me grow within myself & my understanding of others.

Winter- Why Are You Still Here?

Winter, I am so done with you. Would you please step off my back porch and quite antagonizing? I wish Mother Nature would swoon us like she did the one week recently. I'm ready to put away my winter coat & pull out my spring jacket!

Wanting to be Tigger, but feeling more like Piglet...

Ok ok so the title may be a little misleading. For this very moment it refers to the fact that I WISH I had as much energy as Tigger appears to always have, but right now I am feeling more like Piglet...little, timid, stuttery & someone who needs big arms to help get to higher places. Although I do have to say Piglet would fit my eating habits lately. No, I don't eat large quantities, but rather things that really shouldn't be fitting into my diet....Piglet.....
I am doing fine. Haven't lost & haven't gained. Can we say PLATEAU?? Alright, so it's been at least 3 months that I haven't lost, well maybe a bit more than that actually...but I haven't exactly been proactive in getting this last 30lbs off. I hate cold weather, so my love of walking outside is not happening right now. I want to join a gym but cannot afford to at this time, so maybe after tax time I can check out a Zumba class or even p90x. I just would really like to tone up.
My internet at home is limited right now to only on my mobile phone. My laptop caught a nasty virus & I am going to have it cleaned & hopefully restored to its former faster self!!
Everyone here is doing fine. Kids being kids & busier than ever!
I changed jobs after 11 yrs and so far love the new chapters that are occuring in my life. My new co-workers are unique & I know I will fit right in! I do miss a few people from my old office, the ones I will always cherish & hopefully stay in contact thru on Facebook, but like my sister said "sometimes it takes a bigger bird to push you out of the nest" wink wink..
Here's a little funny I heard today..."Where do snowmen post their webpages?---On the 'winternet'. :)
Smile!!

Gettin Ready 2 Christmas Shop!

The hubby & I are getting ready to go Christmas shopping, oh my! This should be interesting, my husband loves to shop & I don't like it much! Imagine that?!??? It's not that I don't find it enjoyable sometimes, but usually I have a list & more of an idea rather than vague descriptions. And I don't like massive crowds or rude people. So I ask today that the Angels protect us :)
And that we have no run ins with rude or inconsiderate people. I know thats asking a lot since its so close to the holiday & every shop & store is so busy this time of year. And to think a yr ago I said I would have all my shopping done by opening day of deer season so that I wouldn't have to go thru this! Hmmm....my a class on how to handle procrastination is in order!! Ha!!
My weight loss is doing ok. No losses & no gains to report. This holiday season has found me cheating a bit & for that I feel guilty. I am taking my vitamins as I should & if I feel like I haven't done so well with protein the dietician recommended I drink a lil bit of milk, so I have been.
Well hubby is waiting as I blog to get out there & shop shop shop!
I will blog soon about our adventures!!
Many blessings!