Saturday, September 8, 2012

Rising Above

Here I am. After a long break from blogging. I feel terrible I haven't been here to write. Oh I have visited my page, I guess just to make sure it still existed.
In total after surgery I lost a whopping 155lbs!! However; yes here's the big PAUSE....I have gained 50 of it back & have become so ashamed of it. I've done it to myself. Not following anything in particular, but always thinking as I put something in my mouth "is this really worth it?" ..then guilt. I hate that I can't fit into the sizes I had gotten down into. I am again 'uncomfortable' in my own skin. Soooooo...I am trying to get back on track. Back to those thoughts & feelings I had 3 yrs ago. I was at a different place then in my life. Many things have changed since, some good, some bad. The biggest thing I have learned is that I am an emotional eater. Through and through. Guess I need to get my hands & my mind in some other place when things happen or I feel one way or another.
One thing I can share with you. Even when I had lost 155lbs I still mentally hadn't changed who I was at almost 400lbs. I did feel 'lighter' & felt like I 'sparkled' a bit more personality wise. But I was still aware of the 'space around me', or always tugging down the bottom of my shirts, or making sure my arms were covered up to a certain point because I didn't want anyone to see my flab. Now, when I look at the photos even from a yr ago, I think...'WHY did I think that?!" I looked fine! I am also going to share that (not remembering if I have earlier or not) but I was LISTENED to more closely, or people wanted my opinion, or made my presence more included when I was even that 50lbs lighter. Why is that? I changed my outside, but inside I was the same ole girl. I'm realizing now, that all the classes & visits we had amongst eachother (bariatric patients in the program & therapists & dieticians included) thats what they stressed beyond eating correctly, was changing up the way you've always thought about yourself. I did on some levels, but I guess I didn't BELIEVE in my self enough or TRUST in my self enough.
I've got to change that. I've got to change that for my success. I've got to change that for me.
I'm back. Even if I'm bloggong about defeat I am back. It's an outlet, or an inlet either way you look at it for me to rise above where I am & achieve what I had set out to 3 yrs ago. It's getting over the plateaus, I know this now & not retreating back because that way HAD been most comfortable.
So I am still on this journey. I am human. Only I can fix my mistakes.
Find peace & a positive attitude!! It's how people see you!