Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Hello I am here, somewhere...

Cabin fever? Not really. More like I would love it if Jillian Michaels were a friend to help kick me in the pants to become more movitated & help me to be creative in exercising. Do I need that drastic a push? Yeah, I think so because I've gotten off track. My eating habits have gone to the way side, what with gas prices, 6 kids in the house..buying the proper foods has not been high priority. I suffer because of it. I eat a lot of what they eat. There are still foods I cannot eat. My teenage kids look at the portions I put on my plate and say "Geez, wish I could eat only that much & feel full."
I feel like I need someone to help push me, not militant like, but jovial friend "I'll kick you in the pants type." I still see myself as the almost 400lb person I WAS. I often do double takes in the mirror because I can't believe it's me. I still keep that 'safe space' around me that I had when I was heavy, that place where because your larger you keep yourself in. My new job does not offer the benefits of having insurance so I am without the proper avenues to keep up medically. I do my best & I know I need to start going to support group, as I need to connect with others who share in some of the same struggles & achievements. My husband is wonderful & caring & its always a blessing when he tells me how attracted he is too me, or how beautiful I am. I do believe that. But there are things in thought processes he can't understand, a part of who I am, who I used to be, that I struggle with sometimes. That little insecure side of me that still jumps up in my face once in awhile. Who would I be without that girl that I used to be? I am thankful of this journey. Really, I am. It's made me grow within myself & my understanding of others.

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